


You've Got Mail!

by Loethlin



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Epistolary, F/M, Humor, Kink Meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-09
Updated: 2011-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-27 03:07:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/290972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loethlin/pseuds/Loethlin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of Horizon, Shepard is stressed out and sad. Normandy's crew is trying to take care of her, in quite a roundabout way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You've Got Mail!

**Author's Note:**

> Mass Effect Kink Meme fill.
> 
> The prompt was: "F!Shepard is always helping everyone else, but hardly anyone ever asks how she's doing. I'd like to see Kaidan get some angry/protective emails from past crew members who heard about Horizon."

(no title)

From: prettyinpurple@googlegalaxy.com

Dear Kaidan,

I was given to understand that you and Shepard vas Normandy have met shortly before I rejoined the crew of Normandy.

When she picked me up from Haestrom, she was visibly upset and hurt. I now know that your behaviour caused her distress. I would very much appreciate it if you ceased contacting her until you grow a quad, get your head out of your ass and apologise. If not, I will hunt you down and order my combat drone to go for the eyes, you bosh'tet. Also, I have a shotgun.

Cordially,

Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

* * *

Title: about horizon

From: aiisacrapshoot@googlegalaxy.com

hey, kaidan!

i see everything on this ship, just like i saw everything on the old normandy and i know what you did with her. you think messing with her mind is such a good idea, tough guy? she took your bitching and whining two years ago even when you were going emo on all our asses, you tried to make her feel bad for having normal childhood, you dick. and now this? bitching and whining again because what? she dared to die saving us all and dares to go after the guys who killed her in the first place? grow up, man up and stay the fuck away from her. i can't do anything to you but i sure as hell know people who can.

* * *

(no title)

From: sharkosaurus@googlegalaxy.com

Human,

Have you ever read "Old Man and the Sea"? Do you remember what happened to the Marlin?

My krantt and I, we are the sharks. And we WILL eat you.

Sincerely,

Urdnot Grunt

* * *

Title: I suppose I should thank you

From: iambatman@googlegalaxy.com

Alenko,

I hated what you were doing to Shepard back when we were chasing after Saren, but the bullshit you pulled on Horizon was heinous fuckery most foul. I should know, I lived on Omega for two years.

Have you got any idea what you put her through?

I saw her sacrificing Chief Wiliams to save your sorry ass, and what toll it took on her. But she was never hurting as much as she was after Horizon.

I was there comforting her through the pain of your little stunt.

And she finally came round.

So I guess I should thank you for pushing her straight into my arms. :)

Sucker.

BTW, if I discover you ever do this again I will find you and I will kill you. You'll never see me coming.

Garrus Vakarian

* * *

Title: FUCK YOU

From: Jck_60734@gol.com

YOU FUCKER WHEN IM DONE DEALING WITH THE BULLSHIT AT HAND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT. WITH MY MIND!

* * *

Title: I expect compensation.

From: ironchef@cerberus.net

Dude, she ate all the ice cream after she stumbled upon you on that planet! It's your fucking fault! A month worth of ice cream! You better compensate, the crew is giving me dirty looks already! I'll expect the ice cream delivered to my mess the next time Normandy is on the Citadel.

Mess Sergeant Rupert Gardner

* * *

Title: Status of Commander Shepard.

From: scientistsalarian@googlegalaxy.com

Was given to understand you're responsible for current mental state of Shepard. Need her focused at bigger threats than you. Team very concerned for her well-being. Suggest old naval tradition of walking the plank should be applied to you. If unsuccessful – have state-of-the-art lab. Not afraid to use it.

* * *

Title: Regarding recent emails

From: LawBringerSR2@cerberus.net

Mr Alenko,

I have been monitoring the recent surge of emails being sent to this address from the Normandy.

I would like to remind you that the crew of this ship consists mostly of very specialized, trained killers. All of whom, me included, care very deeply for Commander Shepard. Do not underestimate their ability to follow their threats.

And do not think for a second that I would do anything to stop them had they decided to actually go after you.

I would encourage them to do so, in fact.

Sincerely,

Miranda Lawson, XO

SSV Normandy SR2

* * *

(no title)

From: hospitalhottie@cerberus.net

No more free migraine advice for you!

* * *

Title: Consensus reached

From: Infiltrait0rN7@googlegalaxy.com

We were given to understand Shepard-Commander's increased stress levels are caused by actions performed by you.

We have come to the conclusion: Shepard-Commander would be much more focused at defeating the Old Machines have you been eliminated.

We do not forget.

Expect us.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] You've Got Mail!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1494763) by [AshesandGhost](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshesandGhost/pseuds/AshesandGhost)




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